Godliness in Marriage
Derek Wells, Speaker
1 Peter 3:1-7 | July 27, 2025 - Sunday Morning,
It’s good to be with you once more. This morning we’ll be preaching from God’s Word from 1 Peter chapter 3 verses 1 through 7. A well-known passage for wives and husbands and marriage. Hear the Word of the Lord.
Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, 2 when they see your respectful and pure conduct. 3 Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— 4 but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. 5 For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, 6 as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.
7 Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you[a] of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.
Let’s pray once more.
Father in heaven, we do pray that you would be with us, Lord that you would not give us itching ears that would hear only what we want to hear or what we think others might need to hear, but help us to hear your voice speaking to us that we might grow in you Lord Jesus, we pray for that in Christ’s name. Amen.
Well, the title of this sermon is “Godliness in Marriage” and a couple of minutes ago I realized that I forgot to wear my wedding ring this morning. Now, how do you like that? I don’t know if that’s a bad sign or not, but one of the reasons I was thinking and praying about this all week long and one of the reasons that this is a challenging sermon to preach, and it’s probably a challenging sermon to hear, is that there are so many different marriages in this room this morning. Is that not true? We all bring our issues to the text this morning whether they be cultural or relational and there are growing marriages, there are healthy marriages, there are holy happy marriages in the room this morning, that might be you. You know the social media posts the pictures; they might actually tell the truth about your marriage. You really are that happy and you’re on a good trajectory and you just need to continue. Your marriage might be a bit unstable, might need some adjustments, you might not know exactly what those would be. Maybe you’re in a confusing time in your marriage or your marriage might be in deep trouble. There might be hurt, there might be opposition, might even be content in your marriage or you may be somewhere in between of all of those stages. Or finally you might not be married but hope to be married one day and you’re just thinking about healthy relationships, how can I grow as a person, be prepared for that moment, or healthy relationships with others. Well church of God wherever you are at this morning in your marriage there is a starting point, there is a starting point for strengthening your marriage, growing in your marriage, renewing your marriage and even transforming your marriage this morning, and that is to begin with your personal godliness. Say well thank you very much for that Pastor, if that isn’t the biggest oversimplification or reductionist assertion I’ve ever heard in my life I don’t know what is, certainly more complicated than that, but hang in there with me because whatever more might be needed in your marriage it certainly does not need less than your growth in godliness as a husband or a wife. It doesn’t solve every problem, but it is a starting point and that’s my goal this morning is just to give you a starting point that you might begin anew or might even just remember, where can I get my foot, what’s the foundation, where do I start, what do I do, a starting point for growth and transformation in your marriage. Godliness and growth is at the heart of Peter’s address to husbands and wives in this passage. Now there’s a fair warning, our text is not quite 50/50, it’s unbalanced, six verses to the wives, one to the husband, but hopefully what is said to the husbands will be just as impactful as what is said to the wives this morning. So, I have three points, two for wives, one for husbands. For wives we’ll look at the witness of godly character. Number two we’ll look at the worth of godly character and for husbands we will look at the walk of godly character, the witness of godly character, the worth of godly character, the walk of godly character.
So, the witness of godly character. Peter begins with this word likewise. He says, “Likewise wives be subject to your husbands.” It’s a continuation of something that he’s been talking about in chapter 2 and that is the role of submission in the Christian life and there we learn in chapter 2 that submission itself is not just a female thing to do, but it is actually a Christian thing to do. It’s a voluntary action of entrusting ourselves to God’s providential design and purpose in the various sphere’s that we live out in our lives. And what Peter emphasizes in chapter 2 is that submission is actually a powerful witness of God’s work and grace in our lives as Christians, and so he has spoken of that in the public sphere, chapter 2, and now he turns to the private sphere, chapter 3.
And so, when we come to the beginning of chapter 3 Peter means for us to draw from the kind of godly character and witness that he’s outlined in chapter 2. That’s the theological framework and that’s the context from which he wants us to draw so he says, “Likewise wives be subject to your husbands so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be one without a word by the conduct of their wives when they see you respectful and pure conduct.” And so, Peter instructs wives in regard to submission in marriage, and he gives us something of a hard case study, the case of an unbelieving husband. So, we think of an unbelieving husband, or you might even consider the case of a difficult husband and some of you wives might say that’s the case for me right now because my husband is pretty difficult. Some of you might say, I know all about that. But any rate, one who does not obey the word, one who is not spiritually not where he needs to be, maybe his priorities are not what they should be or maybe he’s gotten to see things that he needs to see or grow in ways that he needs to grow. What does Biblical submission look like in those circumstances or more practically, how should you respond to that as a godly wife? So, you can see the dilemma here that Peter has us in. Christian wife, unbelieving husband, submission. Can you feel the tension there?
Now we know in this historical setting that women were expected to, number one, you couldn’t have your own friends, you had to adopt your husband’s friends so think about that. When you got married your husband’s buddy had to become your buddy. You had to go to the game with him and hang out, how’s that. Not only that, but you were expected to adopt the pagan Gods of their husbands as well. So that was the cultural expectation, but here’s the case of a woman who has become a believer, who no longer follows the pagan beliefs and practices of her husband. And so clearly when Peter speaks of submission here, he’s not speaking of what we might call unqualified submission. He does not mean that a woman is obliged to adopt the ungodly beliefs or submit to ungodly behavior of her husband, that’s not what he means, indeed it’s the opposite. And we could attach that yielding to or tolerating abusive behavior even. And so Biblical submission, it does not mean unqualified submission, it does not mean submission no matter what. We need to draw those parameters up around this topic. There are limitations and boundaries to a husband’s authority in the home. Husband, do you know that there are limitations and boundaries to your authority in the home. Just as there are limitations and boundaries to the government’s authority in the world. This same Peter who has told Christians to submit to authorities in chapter 2 is that Peter who said in Acts 5, “We must obey God and not men”, and so the same principle applies here and there are some husbands who need to hear that.
So, if there are limitations and boundaries tied to submission what does Biblical submission look like for you wives? Well notice what Peter does in the midst of this dilemma, don’t miss this. Peter does not focus the wife’s attention so much on her husband, but on the character of her witness and along side of that the work of God in her life. That’s where he focuses her, he says “Be subject so that he may be one without a word.” I mean, does that strike you as odd that he might be one without a word. Now listen, there’s the twofold temptation for a wife in this situation. Okay, so you have an unbelieving husband or you have a difficult husband, and this temptation is certainly easy to understand. You want to relieve your marriage of that tension and so here’s temptation number one, it’s to think I have to win my husband, I have to fix him, I have to change him. And temptation number two, I am going to do it with many words, that’s what I’m gonna do. So put the full court press on, ya know, honey I took the liberty of just placing this neat little book, daily doctrine by Kevin DeYoung on your bedside table and by the way I stuck a little WWJD bracelet in there, I thought you might wanna wear that too, the full court press on your husband. Well, that’s a lighter side of it, but think about this, the temptation to win him with many words, so I am going to challenge, I am going to persuade, I am going to debate, I am going to pressure him and maybe even manipulate him into changing, that’s the temptation. We certainly understand that temptation. And like I said, there can be a spectrum of this, but let me give you the hard case, let me give you the hard case when many words do not work in a difficult marriage, and it’s simply this, the challenge happens, it doesn’t work, it turns the constant critique and that doesn’t work and eventually critique becomes contempt and this can work both ways by the way. This is what can happen in our marriage where challenge critique and even contempt, listen, can become the primary way that we begin to relate to one another and here’s what I know, contempt is what kills marriages. I see it all the time. So, some in this room, your starting point for your challenges in your difficulty right now is contempt for your spouse.
And the challenge this morning is to change your starting point. Listen, I’m not saying there aren’t moments where challenge is needed and I’m not talking about cases where there is a pattern of serious sin, of adultery, or abuse or abandonment where godly confrontation, consistent godly confrontation is necessary, it’s necessary in those cases. And if you’re a wife here, I wanna tell you if you have questions about that in your situation, please reach out to your elder, your community pastor or go to our women’s ministry page and click on the side-by-side icon and fill out that form, reach out for help and discernment. This is not a call for a wife to simply endure any and all circumstances in marriage in silence, that is not what submission means. So I’m not necessarily talking about the hard cases, but in normal circumstances, normal circumstances, whether you’re married to a non-believer or difficult husband, how should you respond as a godly woman or more practically, here’s the question, what are you going to major on, are you gonna major on your words or godly character, that’s what Peter is getting at. We might say it this way, Peter is guiding godly wives to major on character over comments, and again, he’s not saying never talk, never challenge, never persuade, never appeal, never have conversations, don’t have a voice, some women need to find their voice in the marriage, he’s not saying that. This is about what to major on versus what to minor on. And he is saying to let your character be the main voice to him, more than your words he says when they see your pure and respectful conduct. And certainly, this has to do with our words, it has to do with actions, it has to do with attitude. Ultimately Peter is getting at a certain kind of posture toward your husband, reflecting a high regard for who he is and not just scrutinizing how he is. You think about it, even for wives who are married to unbelievers they could still say, that’s my husband and that means something, and I see God’s purpose and design in that and I can still respect and honor him in my actions and my words and my attitude. It doesn’t mean be a doormat, but I can look for ways, I can look for ways to affirm him and look for opportunities to support him rather than oppose him, and what this requires, sisters in Christ, from you is godly character. It requires humility. It requires patience. It requires graciousness in your marriage and ultimately that has to do with Christ-like character that God, that God is forming in you, and Peter is essentially saying, let your husband see that. That’s what he points to as a powerful witness in marriage.
It made me think of Saint Augustine. He speaks of his Christian mom Monica in multiple places in his famous work Confessions. She was a godly woman and Augustine’s father was a pagan man. Here’s what Augustine said about Monica’s witness to her husband. The language here is dated so don’t let it trip you up. He says, “She served her husband as her master and did all she could to win him for you by her conduct by which you made her beautiful. Finally, when her husband was at the end of his earthly span she gained him for you.” That remarkable it took patience, it took persistence, but her godly carried her by which God made her beautiful internally, became a witness to Him. Wives, the most powerful voice in your marriage is not your words, it’s the voice of the Holy Spirit speaking through your life. Let me ask you this, do you believe that this morning? Do you believe that as a starting point, at least a starting point. It might not answer every question, but a starting point is the witness in your marriage, the godly witness of your character. Next, we see the worth of godly character. He says, “Do not let your adorning be external, the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear, but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.
I was with the young pros on Thursday night and we were talking through this passage and I read this verse of scripture and I said, “Okay sisters if you have braided hair, gold jewelry, there’s members of the shepherding committee out in the room there, we can get hung up on those things, it’s important though to realize that verse 4 helps us actually interpret verse 3. In other words, Peter is not forbidding these particulars, but he’s pointing to them to contrast a woman who is focused on external beauty more than internal beauty, unless there’s nothing wrong with outer beauty or wanting to be attractive, all of that is natural, but Peter is speaking of women here for whom physical beauty has become their focus, we might even say their identity. And you can think about the cultural message to women today, it’s to place your value, your worth, your sense of self and how you look or how others see you. In essence what our culture is saying to you sisters in Christ is you are your body and that’s all you are, but the Christian message is you are so much more than that. You are a whole person, body and soul and God sees the whole person.
Look at verse 4. “Let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is God’s sight is very precious.” And again, we’re talking about what you major on versus what you minor on, don’t major on adorning the outer person, major on adorning the inner person. Why, because the outside might be wasting away, but there is the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit. You have something more valuable there, more beautiful than anything you could ever be on the outside and that is what is on the inside or more specifically what God is doing in you on the inside. So, we’re right when we think of a humble and gentle spirit. Your mind might go to the spirit of Christ, Matthew 11:28 and 29, he says, “Come into me all you are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest for I am gentle and humble in heart.” And so, to be sure this is a Christian virtue here Peter is applying it within the context of marriage and women to men and witness and worth. You will not find a hard man in Jesus; you will find a humble man. He spoke up when He needed to, but His was a humble spirit. And Peter highlights the spirit for all Christians in chapter 2:21 and I think it helps is here to sort of interpret and apply it. Here’s what he says, “For to this you have been called because Christ also suffered for you, leading you in example so that you might follow in His footsteps, entrusting himself to God He was humble and submissive to God.” So, all this talk about submission within marriage and trusting yourself to God, following the footsteps of Christ, He was humble, and He was submissive to God. And of course, this is for all Christians but certainly can inform how a wife might see submission in her marriage. It’s the action of a gentle and quiet spirit who has entrusted herself to God. And Peter points to Sarah in this one, he says, “She hoped in God and trusting herself to God as she was submissive to Abraham.” So, sure there were challenges, sure there were fears and Abraham certainly wasn’t perfect, but Sarah’s posture toward him was informed by her faith, it was informed by her faith which led her to a gentle, a quiet spirit.
So, there might be a lot to wrestle with here. A quiet spirit does not mean a silent voice, but even if you don’t have all the answers for your marriage and you’re thinking of lots of different questions, make this your starting point, the hidden person of your heart, seek to adorn the inside. Listen, so many women and so many men are so focused on the outside because they’re running from who they are on the inside. They don’t want to deal with that, they don’t want to be changed on the inside, but that’s what Peter is after, and that’s what Christ is after, that needy person on the inside, that fragile person on the inside, He came to forgive, He came to restore, He came to redeem, He came to adorn, that the hidden person of the heart might not only be redeemed, but they may be healed and they may be made holy and this is why Christ came. Chapter 2:24. Tom highlighted this last week. I’ll bring it back before you now. “He himself bore our sins in His body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By His wounds you have been healed.” Husbands and wives make that your marriage verse. Christ redeemed us that we might be made new in grace and godliness and in this context the expression of that here is a gentle and quiet spirit in marriage. By the way, that will far outlast your marriage, for it is of eternal value and it is precious in the sight of God. That’s the worth of godly character. So, the Lord sees, and the Lord knows. There’s a powerful voice for your godly life, a witness to your husband and the Lord sees and knows your godly character.
And that brings us to the walk of godliness. Now husbands you might be saying, I’m really enjoying this, this is all to the wives, ya know. Well, here we go. The walk of godliness. Husbands, this is for you because guess what, you get to take the first step guys. It is on you to take the first step in your marriage. Congratulations you’re the leader, and so it’s on you to begin this walk. You may say you don’t understand my marriage. Maybe not, but I understand the starting point for you to grow in your marriage, the starting point for change or transformation in your marriage is for you to begin to follow in the footsteps of Christ, not your wife, for you to begin to follow in the footsteps of Christ. Well, what does that look like? Well, it gives us a great entry point for that in the context of marriage and that’s verse 7. He says, “Likewise husbands live with your wives in an understanding way showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.” So, Peter gives us another likewise in which we see husbands are to take on the same humble sacrificial gentle Christ-like characteristics as men within the context of marriage and he says, “Live with your wives in an understanding way.” I’ll give you two points about living in understanding with your wife. Number one, living and understanding with your wife in an understanding way begins with knowledge. Literally it means according to knowledge. Live with your wife according to knowledge. It makes me think of that Newlywed Game. It gives husbands an anxiety attack. You know when you get together at a dinner party and they ask you questions you’re supposed to know about your wife, like what color are her eyes. Guys, you’ve got about 10 minutes to figure that out. Things like that. They quiz you on your knowledge of your spouse, but here’s what I would tell you, just even as a pastor of counseling, there are many husbands who miss this as a starting point. Listen guys, that is simply learn about your wife, learn about your wife, get curious about her. One of the expressions of love is curiosity. Study her. Listen guys, where did she grow up, what experiences have shaped her, what makes her tick, what are her hopes and what are her fears, what are her dreams, what makes her happy, what makes her sad, what are her interests, what are her passions, what are they, yes, what color are her eyes? Understanding. Understanding begins with knowledge. Get to know your wife.
But living with understanding also means cultivating compassion. Here’s a critical question for you. As a godly husband let me ask you, how do you use the knowledge you have of your wife? Is it to judge her, is it to ridicule her, or do you use the knowledge that you have of your wife to better love her. What has caused her pain, her joy in her life? What relationships have impacted her positively and negatively? Grieve with her, rejoice with her. A godly man is an understanding man, and an understanding man is patient, he’s kind, he’s approachable, he’s compassionate, he wants to know if he’s offended, he wants to know why and how that happened. Are you that man? When she brings up a hurt or pain or grievance are you defensive and dismissive or inquisitive? I’ll be a little transparent here, tell you about the low point in Michelle and I’s marriage. It happened when we came here. What happened is I was moving to Charlotte, or I moved to Charlotte, she was living in Greenville and she was trying to sell her home and do all of these crazy things and I’m starting this new ministry position y’all, and I wanna do well, I wanna serve the Lord, I wanna serve Christ Covenant, I’m trying to digest all those things and I’m thinking she just needs to support me, right, but she’s at home doing her thing, trying to take care of everything there and it was difficult because it was going back and forth and all those things. I remember one Wednesday night I came home and she was pretty tense and I began to sorta give her the speech of, ya know Michelle can you just, I mean this is just a season, I need you to just kinda buck up here and just support what we’re doing and we’re gonna get there and I need you just to sort of stomach this season of life and I was kind of presenting my case to her and she was returning that and telling me things that were going on in her heart and her mind and her struggles she was having and we were at an impasse and finally I was sort of building a wall and finally she just looked at me and she said, “I feel alone.”
Now godly husbands, what was I supposed to do what that? I could have said, well you shouldn’t feel alone, you shouldn’t have that feeling. I could have been dismissive toward her in that instance, but here’s the thing, it wouldn’t have changed anything. She still felt alone. I still had to deal with that feeling and that experience in my life and that changed right then and there and I realized I needed to understand her, I needed to respond to compassion, and that doesn’t mean I’ve done that perfectly as a husband, I’m just highlighting that as a critical moment when your wife tells you something, don’t just dismiss it, don’t just say you shouldn’t feel that way, she does feel that way so what are you going to do with it as a godly husband? Better yet, what do you think the Lord wants you to do? Do you think the Lord wants you to be dismissive or compassionate, and I think we all know. So, get curious, ask her to help you understand why was that comment painful to her, ask her. Well, she shouldn’t feel that way, but she does so what are you gonna do about it? Listen to her, seek to understand. Every godly man should seek to understand his wife in a compassionate way. That should be your lean, not because of who she is, but because of what God has called you to. I would say this to guys, every godly man should get a Ph.D. in his wife, you should know your wife, so living with understanding begins with knowledge, it begins with cultivating compassion and Peter says to show honor to her as the weaker vessel. This does not mean that a woman is less in dignity or value or worth, but you think of handling something with care. You know we honor what we value. Now we have a dog, and she terrorizes Amazon delivery drivers when they come up and they do their thing, and they have to go, and I have to go and get her because she’s barking like crazy. Every now and then the Amazon delivery driver gets away with getting the package and leaving it on the front door and sometimes Carson, our dog, gets that package in her mouth and I come home and the whole thing is just ripped to shreds, you know, in the front yard. Other times I come home, and she’s got the package in her mouth, and she thinks it’s playtime. So can you imagine this embarrassing and appalling scene where you’re trying to call the dog and she’s looking at you wagging her tail while she’s running around with the Amazon package and she’s not handling it with care and I’m thinking, what’s in that package, is she gonna break it, why is she not handling it with care because she has no value for it, she doesn’t recognize its value. When something is truly valuable to you, you handle it with care, so you understand her, you know the soft spots, you know the weaker points even physically and so the question for you as husbands is how are you going to steward your strength in relation to her weaknesses? Are you going to use your strength to judge or control her or to lead and love and serve her? And Peter says to do this since, and here’s the key, here’s the key guys, here’s the key wives as well, Christian marriages since they are heirs with you of the grace of life so that your prayers may not be hindered. It reminds husbands that how we treat our wives is spiritually consequential. We cannot be harsh or dismissive to them and hard toward them and think that doesn’t have spiritual ramifications and believe that we are walking closely with the Lord if that compassionate character is not being cultivated in our hearts. Again, where is your starting point? And he reminds us of who are wives are ultimately and who they belong to, our wives they do not belong to us, they belong to God who sees her as precious in his sight. So, guys, that should be your starting point in how you see your wife. You know what, Jesus sees her as precious in His sight. So let that be your lens and your beginning point for strengthening, growing, pursuing transformation in your marriage. For listening, for praying, for loving, for leading her, live with her as an heir in the grace of life. So, it’s on you to see our wife through the lens of Christ. And Christians I know that I’ve probably spoken to the harder cases this morning, but this is true for all of us, even happy marriages and holy marriages to continue to grow that we have this Christ-like vision of marriage and that what God is doing is he’s working godliness inside of us and that we start there. That’s our point of integration for dealing with challenges, for dealing with issues and all of those things and what I would tell you in counseling so many times even Christian marriages they skip that part, they leapfrog it, and Peter is reminding us, listen to reorient our posture, our vision, our approach with one another in a Christ-like spirit to begin to walk in the footsteps of Jesus.
As Tom spoke last Sunday night, 1 Peter chapter 2 verses 23 and 24. I wanna bring us back to that for marriage. “Husbands, when he was reviled, he did not revile in return. When he suffered, he did not threaten but continued in trusting himself to him who judges justly. He himself bore our sins in the body on the tree that we might die to sin and live to righteousness by his wounds you have been healed.” If you want healing in health in your marriage look to God’s grace and let it lead you to godliness with one another. Make that your starting point for it’s there that you will find healing. Let’s pray.
Father in heaven, we thank you for your Word that you have given to us. Lord, we lift our hearts and our minds up to you now and we pray that by your Holy Spirit you would take and impress that trues that need to be impressed upon each heart in this room. Lord that you would work, that you would bless and continue to grow marriages that are strong, that they would get stronger, that you would strengthen marriages that are weak Lord, that there would be a course correction of faith and repentance toward you for each spouse in this room. Lord we pray that you would save desperate and dying marriages because you have come to save desperate and dying men and women so we pray for that Lord, we pray that you would lead those who are single here to apply these truths to their heart and their life that they might grow in godliness in relationships with others and in preparation for what you might do one day. In all these things Lord help us to entrust ourselves to you, to your good purposes and design in our lives or that we might follow you more fully in Christ’s name. Amen.
